ugh.  they're tryin to build a prison.

my body hurts.  fell on the bus and brused my right shoulder and the right side of my lower jaw and part of my right buttock...hehe buttock.  but seriously i can't sit with my wallet in my pocket right now.  also have a sizable gash on my right leg.  then rushed to leg platforms for the channing in less than an hour.  had to move them in while it was pouring.  *shrug* wutever.

i don't know wut the hell is wrong with me.  i need to start doing work.  and yet.  as usual.  no.

pennies wednesday was fun.  won best lighting for equus.  equus won a lot.  got to say goodbye to my trendy.  luckily i'll see her still next year.  but who knows after that.  i'm gonna miss the seniors.  more so than last year since i've known them for a year longer.  and yet it kind of feels that this year is going to be the hardest year.  i'm not really friends with any of the juniors right now.  my girls in my year...maybe.  underclassmen doubtful.  *shrug*  i dont want to do this anymore.  day after day it just seems easier to not do school anymore.  well of course it would be.  but like i dunno.  i dunno wut i want.  i'm drifting through life since no one will give me a place.  and i just dont know.  i...blah.

i need to find some place that will just accept me.  something that i'd love to do that i can make money with.  but as it seems i'll be doomed to go through life with jobs i hate doing shit i dont want to do and eventually end up killing people cuz i hate everyone that i work with with such a passion that it burns suns and destroys lives.  wut the fuck is wrong with me that i can't find a place in today's society?  what skills do i have?  what real motivation drives me? everything.  nothing.  none.  i've never once enjoyed anything i've done.  even theatre, while i'm doing it i'm in a mood cuz i want things done and other just dont seem to have that attitude.  afterwards yeah sure fun.  but with the responsability of this past year as tech director i've just been getting moodier and moodier since no one does their fucking job.  my sole motivation is to escape wutever monotony is happening in my life.  little projects that help me be the slightly unbalanced person that i am.  and yet if i didnt have them i'd just be insane.

maybe i just need a girl.  i do need something to stabilize my life.  everything is changing right now.  i'm so unsure of every move that i make.  i just want everything to be done with.  i want familiarity.  i dont want to do college anymore.  but what other alternative do i have?  if i drop out i'll be disowned by my father.  i wont have job opportunities.  i wont have a future.  but if i stay i might just end up killing everyone around me in the bloodiest possible ways to appease my insanity.  and still i wont have a future.  i can't work desk jobs either since they're always so boring that i'll fall asleep and get fired.  i can't sell things cuz i just dont feel comfortable enough to whore myself out for things.  at least not effectively enough to make money for it.  only physical labor interests me and i can't do that for the rest of my life.  i mean it hurts me now after doing like 3 hours of work.  wut the fuck am i going to do?  i'm not good at anything.  i can get by in most things.  but no one thing stands out.

fuck.

so yeah.  fucked up shit.  my heart goes out to vtech.

decemberists concert was rocking.  they did the giant whale and The Mariner's Revenge Song as the encore, which i was very happy about.  My Brightestet Diamond wasnt bad.  not something i'd listen to but still not bad indie rock music.

the currently listening to song is like my favorite song ever.  it was featured in the second season of Weeds in the last episode when Peter is taken into the garage by the.....albanians i wanna say.  its so upbeat but so misanthropic.  love it.  its like the perfect song to express me.  its also fun to sing this really upbeat song but then have people do a double take at wut i'm actually saying.  so thanks to the han for gettin me them getsetgo albums.

current mental state = strange.

all this armed robbery and killings and stuff like that just makes me think about like wut i would do.  i hope my training will kick in but who knows.  more likely than not i'll end up gettin shot or knifed if i was in the armed robbery sitation just cuz i'll end up doing something stupid.  that or i'll get their weapon and end up killin them out of anger.  that'll be something to explain to the cops...

i dont know wuts happening anymore.  i need an anchor.

*shrug*

keep it all in check kids.  dont freak out.  it's definitly not worth it.

anyways.  today was really nice out like mid 70s.  was late to french for my test cuz i forgot my id.  then after class walked around outside a bit and to the office.  grabbed pizza with meghan then did hw with her outside.  then back home.  and the usual home things.  fun things.  and yet tomorrow is supposed to be high of around 60...strange.  one good day in the middle of the week.  better than nothing i guess.  man the weather has been weird.