Sunday, 06 May 2007

• ugh.  they're tryin to build a prison.
  
  my body hurts.  fell on the bus and brused my right shoulder and the right side of my lower jaw and part of my right buttock...hehe buttock.  but seriously i can't sit with my wallet in my pocket right now.  also have a sizable gash on my right leg.  then rushed to leg platforms for the channing in less than an hour.  had to move them in while it was pouring.  *shrug* wutever.
  
  i don't know wut the hell is wrong with me.  i need to start doing work.  and yet.  as usual.  no.
  
  pennies wednesday was fun.  won best lighting for equus.  equus won a lot.  got to say goodbye to my trendy.  luckily i'll see her still next year.  but who knows after that.  i'm gonna miss the seniors.  more so than last year since i've known them for a year longer.  and yet it kind of feels that this year is going to be the hardest year.  i'm not really friends with any of the juniors right now.  my girls in my year...maybe.  underclassmen doubtful.  *shrug*  i dont want to do this anymore.  day after day it just seems easier to not do school anymore.  well of course it would be.  but like i dunno.  i dunno wut i want.  i'm drifting through life since no one will give me a place.  and i just dont know.  i...blah.
  
  i need to find some place that will just accept me.  something that i'd love to do that i can make money with.  but as it seems i'll be doomed to go through life with jobs i hate doing shit i dont want to do and eventually end up killing people cuz i hate everyone that i work with with such a passion that it burns suns and destroys lives.  wut the fuck is wrong with me that i can't find a place in today's society?  what skills do i have?  what real motivation drives me? everything.  nothing.  none.  i've never once enjoyed anything i've done.  even theatre, while i'm doing it i'm in a mood cuz i want things done and other just dont seem to have that attitude.  afterwards yeah sure fun.  but with the responsability of this past year as tech director i've just been getting moodier and moodier since no one does their fucking job.  my sole motivation is to escape wutever monotony is happening in my life.  little projects that help me be the slightly unbalanced person that i am.  and yet if i didnt have them i'd just be insane.
  
  maybe i just need a girl.  i do need something to stabilize my life.  everything is changing right now.  i'm so unsure of every move that i make.  i just want everything to be done with.  i want familiarity.  i dont want to do college anymore.  but what other alternative do i have?  if i drop out i'll be disowned by my father.  i wont have job opportunities.  i wont have a future.  but if i stay i might just end up killing everyone around me in the bloodiest possible ways to appease my insanity.  and still i wont have a future.  i can't work desk jobs either since they're always so boring that i'll fall asleep and get fired.  i can't sell things cuz i just dont feel comfortable enough to whore myself out for things.  at least not effectively enough to make money for it.  only physical labor interests me and i can't do that for the rest of my life.  i mean it hurts me now after doing like 3 hours of work.  wut the fuck am i going to do?  i'm not good at anything.  i can get by in most things.  but no one thing stands out.
  
  fuck.
  
  

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